Writer's Workshop: Drunk Foolishness At The Waffle House Is Not Cute

Writer's Workshop! Head on over to Mama Kat's and get your write on!

Today I chose the prompt Drunk.

When I was 20, 21, and 22, The Waffle House was a regular late night hang out. David or his mom would take care of Ethan and I'd sit with some friends, sometimes my grandma, at The Waffle House drinking tea and talking, laughing and generally having a pretty fantastic time. It was the place to be. It was especially the place to be after 2AM on a Friday or Saturday night. One night, we got a show.

I was sitting with some friends with our regular tea, coffee and hash brown combos. We were laughing. For a Friday night, it was pretty calm, especially since it was closing in on 2AM. Then the door opened and in breezed a tall blonde, she looked about 21, with her arm slung over the shoulder of a nice looking guy with brown hair who was just a little shorter than she was. She was laughing while he walked with her to the table behind ours. He took her purse from her and set it on the bench and then slid her into the seat facing us and took his across from her. I looked at my friends, and we all had our eyebrows raised. Little did we know....

We overheard him order coffee for the both of them, and a plate of smothered hash browns for himself and a waffle for her. That's when she loudly announced (maybe slurred) that she was on her way to the bathroom. She slid to the right, and immediately dropped to the floor. He got up to help her, but she shooed him away and demanded to help herself. He insisted on helping her, but she had already crawled to the counter and was in the process of using the bar and the chairs around the bar for support. He went back to the table, watching her with concern. She made it to the bathroom, and then disappeared behind the door that the bathrooms were behind. We went back to our conversation. It was interrupted a minute later with a loud scream and her throwing herself through the door onto the restaurant floor, laughing like a maniac. She pulled herself up and brushed the hair out of her face, and walked back to her table. Here's the kicker to this part, she was trying to walk with that sexy, hip swagger. She sat at the table, and we all looked back. She was sloppily trying to eat her waffle. She was talking loudly about how excited she was for him to touch her boobs later. Oh yeah, that happened.

This was about the time she decided she needed a cigarette. He helped her up and sat her in the doorway of the restaurant and came back. We were all staring at him. He looked humiliated. He then said with the slightest hint of a southern accent, "I'm terribly sorry. Her and I just met. We were set up on a blind date. I took her to a party and this is what happened. My friends asked me to leave." Our mouths dropped open. My friend said, "You just met her?" He said, "Yeah, and now I don't know what to do with her. This date has totally gone downhill." We all looked towards to door where she was teasing her hair and blowing him kisses while swaggering in her seat. That's when her cellphone rang. Her room mate was calling to see how her date had went. He answered and told the room mate that they were at The Waffle House, and she needed to come get her. The girl had upgraded from swaggering and kiss blowing to standing up, pressed against the glass and licking it. I wouldn't lick the glass anywhere, but especially not at a freaking Waffle House.

He said into the phone, "And hurry."

About 10 minutes later, a car pulled up and a girl got out, grabbed the Drunkie, who had upgraded from glass licking to trying to undress herself, and pulled her into the car. She came in and grabbed her friend's things, ran back to her car and sped away. He breathed a sigh of relief, apologized again, and left.

After that show, we weren't really sure what to do with the rest of our night, so we all went home.

So, here's a tip single ladies. If you are set up on a blind date, do not get sloshed and crawl around like an idiot on the floor of your local Waffle House. It is not cute. Do not lick the glass of the Waffle House. It is not cute and probably has herpes. Do not try to undress yourself in the doorway of the Waffle house. It is not cute and nobody wants to see the drunk chicks business. In general, it's probably not a good idea to drink at all on a first date. It makes you stupid and it is not cute.